The Great Unknown

Is it just me or is life truly insane?? I don't mean always hectic or never happy. On the contrary! But it sure knows how to spin you for a loop! There have been many times that I, in my search for the human experience that is destiny, stated that I very much envied those who always had an internal sense of navigation. They knew what they wanted to grow up to be, and followed that course, rarely veering from their paths, and I watch them now, living the life they have talked about since we were children. I have never been one of those people. Even as a child, I wanted to be everything under the sun, and was always very aware of the shortness of time on earth, making me crazy, not knowing which dream to delve into first, because I wanted to experience it all. I wanted to be a world renowned author, an FBI agent, a trapeze artist, a singer/songwriter, a chef, a dancer... and the list goes on and on. But now, as I have reached the 30 yr. milestone of my life, I find I haven't accomplished any of my childhood dreams. It seems so difficult to let them go, but at the same time, by wanting so much, I have not obtained any of them. It is quite accurate to say that I have never been immensely driven, and am probably one of the worst procrastinators in existence. Don't be misled. I have lived an enormously happy life. Sure we all have those hardships... the moments we wonder how we ended up where we did, but all in all, I cannot in good conscience complain. My childhood was wonderful. I have always been fortunate to have a supportive and close family whom have always shared the hard times, making it a lot easier to live through. I have been blessed with great friends, old and new, and am now married to my best friend. God and destiny have allowed me the fantastic joy of raising our two beautiful children with this incredible man. So I in no way, am suffering, for lack of blessings. The only disappointments that constantly nag me, are my own doing. Thirty has been a rather difficult step for me to cross. It might sound ridiculous to some, and many have said as much, but it has always loomed above me like a gigantic deadline. Once you reach thirty, maybe it's not impossible to reach the goal of singer/songwriter, but realistically speaking, if you haven't made the cut by then, chances are it's not gonna happen. That having been my biggest childhood dream, is heart crushing. It is the closing of yet another chapter in my life, and I am left staring into a wide unknown, very unsure of what to do now. Destiny still alludes me. I understand the part of my destiny of being a wife and mother, and I love it. My life has been filled with so much joy, that there are no words to accurately describe how blessed these roles make me feel. But as for a personal destiny, one that encompasses me and my passions... my love of music, my love of writing, my love of art... I am lost. And so, here I sit, searching my soul for an unwritten map, saddened to see so many dreams slowly being covered with new layers of paint, trying to be excited about the prospect of a future no longer obligated to fulfilling childhood wishes. Maybe time will introduce me to a new self, one I never COULD have imagined, and so didn't. May God continue to bless all of us with adventures, amazing experiences, and lives lived to the absolute fullest!